the uber driver

“We’re looking for a black Dodge Avenger ending in 75,” Theo said. “There.” He pointed.

After taking once last glance at the sandstone columns of the Palace of Fine Arts, they half jogged across the street and climbed into the Uber.

“So, what are you guys doing with your Saturday?” asked the driver, a woman from the Central Valley who would soon reveal serious doubts about her life choices.

Before they could answer, she blurted out “I just drove up from the Central Valley. It’s so great there because there are seasons and did you know if my house were in SF it’d be worth ten million dollars? But I paid four hundred thousand.”

“Wow,” Theo said.

“Wow is right, THANK YOU,” the driver said. “And I can come see the city whenever I want, because I have a car! I actually have several cars!”

“Nice,” said Theo’s friend, sensing that the driver had noted his silence regarding her real estate bargain.

“It is nice! I don’t need to live here and have no space and no seasons. It’s just a half hour drive from where I live, and there you get a house and seasons!”

“I’m really excited to not have seasons,” Theo said. “I’ve had seasons my whole life, and I’m fucking done.”

The driver was silent for a moment. This Theo, this insolent passenger in her car that she owned because of her very astute and UNASSAILABLE life choices had just revealed that he did not value seasons and property ownership the same ways he did, had really challenged the very moral and philosophical core of her life. He’d just shit down her neck and used her soul to wipe his ass.

She took a deep breath. Theo didn’t notice.

“Seasons are the worst, you know? They all come with chores, you know?” He looked to his friend for reassurance/support, but his friend had picked up on the weird vibes and did not move his face or in any other way acknowledge that he had heard what Theo said.

Theo pressed on, undeterred. “Raking leaves, shoveling snow, mowing the lawn… Hard pass.”

The driver couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She felt her hands go numb on the steering wheel. The sound of the wind whipping through the open windows suddenly became muffled and distant, barely audible over the tympanic booming of her pulse in her ears.

She had to make him understand. She had to get his validation.

Adopting a knowing tone, she counterattacked. “You say that now, but give it a few years. You’ll change your mind. Everyone does.”

She smiled, happy with her riposte. “Also I have several cars.”

“Ahh, I dunno,” Theo said. “Twenty-six years of winter and summer was plenty. Plus, the transit is great and I like renting. Owning property would be too much responsibility.”

The driver’s eye twitched. Suddenly it felt like rats were chewing on the low hanging lobes of her heart.

She stopped the car.

“Uhh, this isn’t our destination,” Theo said, as his friend looked nervously at the driver’s twitching eye and twisting face reflected in the rear view mirror.

“GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screamed.

“Okay, Jesus Christ,” Theo said, opening the door.

“ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” she screamed, exactly like the accountant in that episode of Broad City where Ilana tries to do her taxes.